The Perfect Timing

Last week I sent out the link to my new video about my three years without a house or a plan, living “at home wherever I am.” The film is called The Lessons I Learned Along the Way.  I found it interesting that my viewers’ responses to it was almost universally the same, “WOW. How did you know I needed this today.” “I’ve been wrestling with making a decision and this came at the perfect moment.” “It couldn’t have come at a better time.” It reminded me that we often get it in our heads that something has to be done immediately or by four o’clock or by next Tuesday at the latest…when perhaps we are just making that up. When we feel our anxiety rise at the words delayed, late, postponed, rescheduled, or cancelled we immediately think, “Oh no!” and tell ourselves this change has somehow created a problem that needs to be solved by overriding the timing. HURRY seems to be our default.

So I laugh at my urgency thinking I needed to hurry up and send the post.  Maybe the video was going to help people no matter when I sent it.  Maybe it was all in divine order that I sent it at the perfect time or maybe Mars was in retrograde, Pluto was angry but Venus was rising in my house of social media. In my efforts to share with you the lessons I learned on my global walk-about I learned a new one, too.  Relax, Mary.  Let go of micromanaging “when” and just do good work.  Somehow the Universe has always had an impeccable sense of timing.

So, in case you missed it, (and the perfect time for you is now…) here’s the link.  I hope you enjoy it.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSd4SnxdU8I

In Just Four Minutes

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could replace your hour-long exercise routine with a four-minute exercise that actually gave you better results?

Research shows that you can.

The Four-Minute Miracle, as it is often dubbed, is called Tabata, a protocol developed by professor Dr. Izumi Tabata to train Japanese Olympic speed skaters.

Dr. Tabata and a team of researchers from the National Institute of Fitness and Sports in Tokyo conducted research on two groups of athletes: one group trained at a moderate intensity level while the other group trained at a high intensity level. The moderate intensity group worked out five days a week for a total of six weeks; each workout lasted one hour. The high intensity group worked out four days a week for six weeks; each workout lasted four minutes.

The results: group one had increased their aerobic system (cardiovascular), but showed little or no results for their anaerobic system (muscle). Group two showed much more increase in their aerobic system than group one, and increased their anaerobic (fat-burning system) by 28 percent!

Now wait, really?  The group of premiere athletes who worked out just 16 minutes a week out-performed the group of premiere athletes who worked out 5 hours a week?

Yes, yes, as a matter of fact they did. So how does that work?

The Tabata Program

The Tabata workout lasts only four minutes, but don’t be fooled.  It may be one of the longest four minutes you’ll encounter. The structure of the program is:

• Workout hard for 20 seconds
• Rest for 10 seconds
• Complete eight rounds

You push yourself as hard as you can for 20 seconds and rest for 10 seconds until you complete eight sets. You can do pretty much any exercise you wish. You can do squats, pushups, rows-any exercise that works your large muscle groups.

An example of a 20-second Tabata workout looks like this:

*Pushups

*Squats

*Rows

*Sit ups

This peer-reviewed research is hard to argue with, as counter-intuitive as it sounds.  So I am doing Tabata four days a week now. I do jumping jacks, mountain climbers, burpees and alternate elbow to knee touches.

You can use a stop watch on your phone but I use the free Tabata app that has the program all set up with music and prompts of when to exercise and when to rest. I programmed mine to play my favorite music and that keeps me motivated to work more intensively and more importantly, go the full 20 seconds per interval. It is good to remember that this is an INTENSE exercise so check with your doctor or trainer before you begin if you have health concerns.

If you can talk yourself into four minutes, you’ll see results quite rapidly. The lament “I don’t have time to exercise” is now as obsolete as eight track tapes.

The Three-Minute Safety Stop

I learned to scuba dive in January. My boyfriend, an avid diver, asked if I would like to get certified so we could go on a trip to Roatan, Honduras. Ah, the conundrum.  I had a boat and waterskied as an adult, but I had a strict policy never to put my head underwater – on purpose.  The family joked that I skied for 30 years and never got my hair wet.  But, under the slogan of “what a girl will do for love”, I took the lessons, which I learned were much more involved than just holding your nose and yelling, “Geronimo!”  We arrived in Roatan for my final open water dives.  Despite the 5 foot swells  (I drank a lot of sea water that day) I miraculously passed – proving that apparently pigs do actually sometimes fly.

Many of the skills I learned in scuba diving were actually life lessons as well.   One of the most powerful lessons came from the strict protocol called the “three minute safety stop.”  When you ascend from, let’s say 70 feet, you have retained nitrogen in your tissues because of the atmospheric pressure changes under water. So to avoid experiencing the ill effects of this excess nitrogen (called “decompression sickness”) divers hover 15 feet beneath the surface for three minutes to allow the gas to be dissolved, avoiding an unpleasant trip to the hyperbaric decompression chamber.

Now technically you could often, depending on how deep and how long you dive, skip the three-minute safety stop and be just fine.  But the smart move is to always take that brief stop to ensure a safe ascent and every good dive master insists upon it.

It made me think of the many times in our lives that a three-minute safety stop could prevent lots of problems.  What would happen if we took . . .

Three minutes of mediation before we leave the house each day?

Three minutes to see if the craving passed before we have that second donut or another drink before we drive?

Three minutes to craft a clearer, more concise, more diplomatic response to the terse email we just received?

Three minutes at bedtime to review all the good things that happened that day instead of lying awake obsessing over the four things we did not get done?

Three minutes to walk around outside, stretch and breathe some fresh air after we’ve been at our desks for hours?

Three minutes of reading something inspirational or visualizing what we want instead of checking an electrical device?

One of the most effective three minutes may be to excuse yourself when you find yourself in an angry exchange, especially with your spouse or partner.

Research by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marital happiness expert, found that when a discussion leads off with a harsh start up full of criticism or sarcasm it will inevitably end on a negative note. Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a 15 minute interaction.  A harsh start up dooms you to failure. So, he said, if you begin a discussion that way you might as well pull the plug, take a breather and start over.

From driving a bit slower and arriving a few minutes later to calling someone to explain something rather than texting, three minutes holds a lot of power.

So what’s your three-minute safety stop?

It’s something to think about.

I’d love to hear your answer.

My 2014 Webinar Series

• Jett Communication, Inc. Please Join Us! 2014 WEBINAR SERIES Join us for a Life Balance webinar featuring our GUEST PRESENTER…Mary LoVerde! Mary LoVerde’s passion is finding creative ways to help her audiences blend a successful career and a happy and healthy family life. She has appeared on 20/20, ABC World News Tonight, and five times on the Oprah Winfrey show. I Used to Have a Handle on Life But It Broke: Innovative Strategies for Staying Connected to What Is Really Important You’ve organized, prioritized, delegated and simplified, and you still don’t have enough time for your family, your spouse, your friends, your boss – much less yourself. You’ve made “friends”, you’re linked in and you’ve tweeted at the top of your lungs. You’re a veteran of the time-management wars, fighting for the life balance ideal – and you are losing! In this humorous and fast-paced presentation you’ll learn a new approach for keeping your life in balance with the Connection Solution. You will leave armed with practical, innovative “works in real life” ideas you will want to implement immediately. Connect with Yourself Take a serious look at your life balance and discover what is working and what is not. Adopt a new definition of life balance. Recognize that multitasking mania is NOT the solution to your life balance issues. Learn that you probably will not find more balance on your to-do list. Recommit to finding more joy, energy and creativity in your life. Connect with Others Recognize the importance and power of using rituals to keep you connected to what is really important. Identify the rituals that bring you more balance. Identify the rituals you could amend or abolish to allow you to stay connected to what really matters to you. Connect with what is most important to you using innovative strategies that do not require more time, money or that you “be there.” How can you stay connected to your elders with a memory jar? How can you stay more connected to your children and spouse given how full your plate is already? How can you have some more time for yourself? Event Name: I Used to Have a Handle on Life But It Broke: Innovative Strategies for Staying Connected to What Is Really Important When: Thursday,  February 27 at 12:00 pm PST; 1:00 pm MTN;2:00 pm CST; 3:00 pm EST Where: REGISTER HERE Where: GROUP REGISTRATIONS CLICK HERE   About Mary: Mary has shared her step-by-step strategies for a balanced life with clients as diverse as Apple, the Mayo Clinic and the American Trucking Association. She is the author of three best selling books: I Used to Have a Handle on Life but It Broke; Stop Screaming at the Microwave; and Touching Tomorrow. The ideas in her newest book, The Invitation…When You Are Ready to Take Your Next Step have reached readers in more than 35 countries. What’s Next? March 13: The Language of Leadership Don’t worry if you can’t attend the live webinar, a complimentary recording of the webinar is included with your registration and will be sent to you shortly after the program

Jelly Beans

Happy New Year!  It’s this time of year that we are reminded that yet another 365 days have passed. If we are smart we look at our lives with fresh eyes and ask ourselves, “What do we really, really want for the next 365?”

I gained new appreciation for the answer to this question when I attended Dr. Lise Janelle’s retreat last year.  She played a youtube video that I hope inspires you as much as it did me to cherish each day and make good choices about how we spend our jelly beans.

It’s something to think about.

Are You a Date Chopper?

A few weeks ago I invited two of my colleagues to my favorite fine dining restaurant for dinner. The three of us decided that, in addition to our entrees, we’d share one large “macho salad” loaded with goodies including “chopped dates.” One of my guests didn’t like dates so we ordered them on the side.

So far, so good.

The delicious salad came with a small side dish of large date slices.  I did not have a sharp knife nor did I want to touch everyone’s portion of the sticky fruit with my hands, so I politely asked the waitress if the chef might chop the slices for us, and she took the bowl of dates to the kitchen.

The waitress returned just moments later, set the bowl of unchopped dates back on the table and said, “The chef won’t do it.”

I raised my eyebrows.  “Really?”  I smiled, “Why not?” She just shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.

So I became the sous chef and chopped the dates into edible, sharable, bite-size pieces.

The dining experience continued to decline with both the service and food quality not up to the usual high standards this restaurant is known for.

After dinner I slipped away and asked to speak privately with the manager. I related my disappointing dining experience, acknowledging that even the best restaurants have an off night. He apologized for it all EXCEPT he said, “Our policy is not to cut the dates- they are the size they should be.”

I was incredulous and a bit indignant.  My ego started to rant in my head, “The ‘chopped’ dates are the diameter of my esophagus! I did not come here to work in the kitchen! For God’s sakes it takes 8 seconds to chop these dates!”

This is not a typical essay about poor customer service. Instead, the trivial annoyance reminded me to look at my own behavior.  What “dates” am I refusing to chop? What little things do I dig in my heels about- that disappoint those I care for deeply-that make me miss easy opportunities to connect and bring a small bit of joy to someone’s life? Do I slow down and let the driver with his blinkers on merge into my lane? Do I pick up my dishes instead of leaving them scattered in the family room, knowing what a source of irritation it is to others? Do I send in my information late to my colleagues who need my details to do their jobs?  When do I irrationally rationalize that my “date size” is the correct one and insist on my own egoic way?

And more importantly, how might I instead delightfully capitalize on the opportunity to serve and scatter some joy?

The restaurant manager comped our meals  that night, but what I really received was a gift of insight at how I might connect better in my daily interactions.

So what about you?  What are the dates you ‘re refusing to chop? I’d love to hear your stories.

It’s something to think about.

PS: I have one more spot at my next event: The Invitation Retreat: Corona del Mar, November 7-10.

www.maryloverde2013retreats.eventbrite.com.

 

New Shoes

Q: Who’s less well shod than the shoemaker’s wife? 

A: The shoemaker

I received a call this week from Amiee, an attendee at my February retreat. She gave me a nearly unbelievable update on her life.

First, she reminded me of the intentions she’d set at the retreat:

• To move from Detroit to North Carolina
• To live in a beautiful house full of sunshine with a back yard full of flowers
• To find herself a new well-paying job that she loved
• To spend more time with her kids
• To be more relaxed and at peace.

She spent the time with me getting clear about what was holding her back and what she’d have to quit to get what she truly wanted.  She opened up to receive help in order to move in a more positive direction.

Amiee went back to Michigan Feb 10, committed to her intentions but completely confused how any of them would actually come true. She had a high paying job that would be tough to replace.  She doubted her husband would want to quit his job. Selling their properties in the tough Detroit market would be nearly impossible. She was already so stressed out from the details of her current life that she worried moving would put her over the edge.  But she agreed to use the technique she’d just learned to “play the movie” every day of her dreams coming true.

Five days after she got back, her husband’s company – completely out of the blue –closed his division, and he was transferred to guess where? Charlotte, NC. Then, in mind-boggling rapid order they quickly sold both their house and vacation cottage. They even sold their ski boat and patio furniture on a cold, wet, wintery Sunday night from their ad on Craig’s list.  The family moved to a beautiful new home in Charlotte, complete with a sunroom and a backyard full of flowers and magnolia trees.

To facilitate the relocation and get her children settled in school Amiee took two months off, the first real time this self-admitted workaholic had taken in decades. She just started a new job in the same industry that she loves.  Her mother told her she’d never seen her so relaxed.

What are the chances that just three months after she set her intentions that they’d all come true?  Most of us would answer, “Slim or none.” Yet the story is true.

So I asked her, “What made the difference?”

She replied, “Taking the uninterrupted time to step back and ask for what I wanted, do the exercises and go deep.”

And that is when it hit me. I’m the shoemaker. I hold retreats for others, feeling privileged to watch them shift and get what they really want.  Yet, I haven’t been to a similar kind of facilitated retreat for myself in years.

So, I took a cue from Amiee. September 13-16 I’ll be in Toronto where I will be a participant at a fabulous retreat, asking for help, getting clear about my intentions and what’s holding me back.  The shoemaker is getting new shoes.

I suspect many of you are just like me- joyfully helping others, making sure they have what they need and want.  So let me ask the all-important question, “What about you?”

If it is time for you to take your next step, please consider getting away from it all and really focus.  My next retreat will be held November 7-10 in Corona del Mar. (See below) I can host four people.  For the rest of you, there are many terrific retreats to choose from. Get online and ask your friends and find a way to go.

Of course there is no guarantee that any of us will have the dramatic response to our intentions that Amiee did.  Even she is incredulous at what has happened to her.  But we all know that even small shifts can have huge, life-changing effects.  Maybe you’ll choose to spend time alone in a cabin in the woods or you’ll house-sit for your friend for a long weekend. However you do it, find a way to get yourself some new shoes.

You deserve them.

 

Being Known

I flew to Chicago last weekend to attend my nephew’s high school graduation. My sister–in-law, Sue, greeted me at O’Hare and drove me to my hotel. As I walked into my room I noticed a wicker picnic basket on the table.  I saw a family-sized bag of Lay’s potato chips peeking out one side. Inside the basket I also found a bottle of wine, a corkscrew opener, wine glasses, two jars of nuts—and the real surprise—her great grandmother’s teacup and saucer.

Here is the significance of the items: 

1. I am addicted to Lay’s potato chips.  Years ago Frito Lays tag line was, “Bet you can’t eat just one.”  I assume they meant just one bag.
2. I consider pinot noir to be nectar of the gods and believe that the world would be at peace if everyone on the planet sat down at 8 pm and drank a glass.
3. I am a snob about drinking from anything but nice wine glasses.
4. Nuts are candy to me.
5. When I stay at her house, Sue always serves me tea from the exquisitely beautiful, preciously fine teacups that are at least 100 years old.  Yes, the rumors are true; there is growing evidence that I was indeed a queen in a former life.

So here I was in my very confortable Holiday Inn Express (with at least two high school soccer teams in residence,) and I was having a Ritz Carlton experience thanks to her thoughtfulness.  By the end of the weekend the potato chips, nuts, wine and teacups had worked their magic.

But my experience went much deeper that the comfort these items provided.  I was reminded how much humans crave being KNOWN.

To delight me this much Sue had to know me intimately – to honor my quirks. She remembered the look on my face from long ago when I first sipped tea from that floral cup, that I think drinking from a plastic cup is like pouring cherry Kool-Aid into fine wine, and that if I ever get the chance to have a “Last Meal” I will just order a big bag of Lay’s potato chips.

I felt seen, and not only un-judged for my idiosyncrasies but embraced. Sue could have given me a basket of exotic goodies that I had never experienced before, offering new taste treats to delight me. But what she did was made it clear that she and I are connected and she cared enough to tell me in such a clever way. 

It seems to me that in a world of long distance e-learning, thousands of online “friends” and access to trillions of items to purchase that we all still need that sense of intimate belonging to others…

And that it is still possible for little things to matter profoundly.

It’s something to think about.

Is It Really A Crisis

Last month I traveled to London with friends to celebrate my upcoming 60^th birthday.  We enjoyed touring the beautiful Westminster Abbey and Leicester Square, experiencing high tea for a small fortune at Fortnum and Mason’s and savoring British ambiance and humor over the fish and chips at a local pub in a nearby village.  My favorite activity, however, was visiting the underground (but not bomb- proof) bunker where Churchill and his advisors ran the day-to-day operations of the blitz during World War II.  I was spellbound standing in the same spot where they faced crisis after crisis and made decisions that changed the course of history.

According to lore, Winston Churchill had a definition for crisis.  The story goes that Churchill was a napper and hired a young aide to be his gatekeeper.  He told the man, “From time to time I like to take a brief nap. It’s never more than 15 or 20 minutes, but it really rejuvenates me. When I am napping I am not to be disturbed unless there is a crisis.” 

The young man replied, “Very good, sir.” 

Churchill said, “No, not very good. Everyone who comes to you will tell you that what he or she has is a potential crisis, so I am going to tell you what a crisis is.  It is armed invasion of the British Isles.  Anything less than that can wait.”

 I was reminded that very often we are guilty of reacting to our circumstances as if they were an armed assault requiring an immediate response.  When we label every problem a crisis we get flooded with the stress hormone, cortisol, which actually makes it harder to think clearly and make a rational decision.  If Churchill can put the war on hold for 20 minutes a day I suspect many of our issues can wait as well. We can listen to the whole story instead of jumping in with an immediate solution, We can wait to fire back an email in response to the threatening one that just popped in the mail box, or we can pause and take a walk around the block, breathing deeply. 

The next time someone tells you they have a crisis ask yourself, “Is this an invasion of the British Isles?” Clarifying your definition of crisis will lower your stress, and with fewer events qualifying as crisis, you will have lots less to worry about.

Cheerio,

Mary 

Asking a Good Question

Real life is not neat; it’s full of ironies, inconsistencies, injustices and pain. Our tendency in those situations is to squeeze even tighter in an attempt to get a grip on our problems.  When we are stressed, we sometimes ask the wrong questions (eg., “Why don’t they do something? “ or we stop making inquires all together. One of the most important life balance tools we have is our ability to pose good questions. I surveyed a few of my readers and inquired, “What good questions do you ask yourself when you are stressed or feeling a great loss?”

My mentor Lou Heckler sent me the following reply:

I have five that I use to live the life I want.

1. What I have done so far?  I ask this to clarify whether or not I am in motion to help myself or hinder myself.  It is often the latter if I am honest.
2. What is the worst that can happen?  I am trying to give my fears a real shape with this one. Often an unshaped fear is greater than the reality that I later discover.
3. What would happen if I did nothing?  This is an ownership question.  Maybe I am taking on someone else’s issues.  Maybe the issues need to be resolved- and will be- if I do not intervene. 
4. Whose help do I need?  I don’t need to be the Lone Ranger when facing tough times.  Someone else had likely faced this, too and will be happy to share their triumphs and defeats. 
5.  How does this fit in with my bigger goals?

I decided a few years ago to have some overarching “filters” through which I forced decisions to pass.  I decided I would seek:

Intentional health

Intentional joy

Intentional gathering and sharing of useful knowledge. 

Thanks for asking.

In Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Marie Rilke, wrote, “I want to beg you as much as I can …to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.”

So now I am asking YOU.  What good questions do you ask yourself when you are stressed out or feeling a great loss?  I look forward to your wisdom.